Way on down West London Town.

I got in Thursday night and tried to sleep in Heathrow. There were lots of people sleeping there including young and single women which made me feel I shouldn't be too worried for my safety if they weren't worried.

Couldn't sleep too much so I started wandering around. I shaved in the airport and was reminded of Tom Hanks in Terminal. Found the tube station but it didn't open until 5. I went into London and walked by Herrods but it didn't open ultil 10 so I went to my hotel in Fultham, the Channins Hounslow Hotel right by Hounslow. Took the tube to the Hounslow Central station and walked for a couple of hours trying to find it. Eventually I got directions and a bus.

After dropping off my stuff I went back to London zone 1, got off at Piccadilly and saw a busker doing a circle show. He changed into superman and got people to do things but not much happened. I gave him a pound in support of a future colleague. Saw where Avenue Q and Les Miserables were playing. I saw a strip club but they weren't open yet. Then I did something I wanted to do when I came at the age of 12. I saw a movie in an English Cinema. It was mostly the same. Small differences like the movie nachos didn't have cheese. Just salsa and jalapenos. Maybe they had cheese hidden somewhere that I didn't see.


So Terminator Salvation was all right.

I went home, slept. Got up looked watched tv, went to the local shop in Fultham, and slept the afternoon. Then I walked to a karaoke place I read about online. I walked forever before finding the Duke of Wellington

It wasn't the pub I had intended, and that was good cause it was the pub that had the karaoke that night. The Wishing Well that I had intended to find was further down the road and had karaoke the next night. The food was all right and the people friendly.

There was even a pregnant woman singing the Karaoke classic, Black Velvet.

Spent a lot of time watching TV, wandering the streets of Feltham and Hounslow and found the Blockbuster.

I'm blown away by the things that are exactly the same. And the things that are completely different. Do you know they drive on the wrong side of the road? Of course you do. But they drive on the wrong side of the cars too. And that's just wrong.

Speaking of TV. There was a show called MI High. About 3 school students who work for MI9 in deep cover. But their boss who is deep cover as the janitor was Danny John Jules of Red Dwarf. The episode was titled "A Kind of Magic" which is not only a Queen Reference but also a Highlander reference, so even though it was Power Rangers bad I enjoyed the experience.

His reach is global

Andre the Giant has a posse:

Even at London's Heathrow Airport.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane pt1.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go. Sitting in the airport in San Jose waiting to go to London via L.A. and Chicago.

It's been a day. Drinking, Meth, Infidelity, Lies, Inappropriate behavior between employees and dancers. All on a Wednesday shift. I'm leaving the soap opera of The Kit Kat Club behind for 10 days. Hope someone will DVR it for me. See y'all later.

Nightmare Pics

My Lovely in her new home

Imagine the possibilities


I bought a new case, some pics and a strap for my guitar. I even played a little. I'm going to need more practice if I'm going to make a living with the guitar.





I spilled some gas in the back earlier and the fumes are very strong. Hope I don't die or lose too many brain cells in my sleep.

I also named my guitar today. Paul asked me what her name was and I thought of only one name. I joked that it was Lucille but it was really...

Still confused, still making money and awesomeness

As I write this I'm eating a Klondike bar and eating a 99 cent bag of Doritos in front of the Ramada Inn in Sunnyvale at 10:48 PM. I slept in front of a different hotel in Sunnyvale. Woke at 5:00 and got online to get the info on where today's 5k would be. My best friend Mike and I agreed months ago to not eat fast food for a year and during that year do a 5k, a 10k and a half-marathon.

I had planned to not run until I got down to 300 lbs so this would be a walked 5k. Mike has trained for a week for this event so he thought he might be able to run most of it. We talked and caught up then started the event and got seperated by my lack of speed. I was soon at the back of the event and women pushing strollers passed me by. They stopped to show their kids the person in the spongebob costume and I laughed at the knowledge that they would pass me again. I kept going solwly. Soon there were just a few people near me. I kept going. The volunteers along the way were very nice. Mostly they were Asian and the Asian high school girls reminded me of a few of the girls who've been at the club and I wondered if this were a few months or years ago would the girls from the club be there getting their community service in at Great America. That also made me think of the girl in question and I got sad:( I walked and walked some more. After I passed the 2 mile marked I started actually gaining on some people and passed some. I pushed hard. I actually ran about 4 or 5 times for a little while and didn't hurt myself in the process. It was slow running but that in addition to the passing people made me very happy and proud of my work over the last few months.


I had a profound joy as I realized that even though I feel like shit now about being a (nearly) 400 pound man who is 33 and has never had a girlfriend and lives in his car and has had sex about 26 times and enjoyed very few them... or whatever it is that was bothering me, that I have been doing positive things. I've gotten in shape and saved money and at least the heartbreak I'm experiencing now has given me lots of song ideas.

Mike soon ran up and joined me. We finished together and I jogged the end very slowly but still faster than my walk. As we sat there eating an orange slice and piece of banana we talked about life, the universe and everything. I told him how yesterday the girl in question and I made out a little. MUCH too little. And I went over with him again the things I was considering, Road Trip, LA and Parent's House.

We then went to Denny's and ate some food. I had getting to this day without breaking my diet as my goal so it was time to cash in on the day off. We ate and had fun and took a picture in front of my van. I told him I wanted it for this blog to title PHATHLETE

PHATHELETE

Later I went to Coyote California in between Morgan Hill and San jose fof a Karaoke show. Ran it for 5 hours and got $75. My uncles Mark and Georgie came as well as my cousin Adrian and his friend Eddie. It was very fun and while tearing down the show a girl I met at Alex's who wanted to fuck me called me back I told her I would call back in about 20 minutes. I wrapped up the show and headed down to Gilroy to get some Pinoccio's pizza since I was so close and it was my day off. I called one of the girls at work who I think may like me, maybe not. I wanted to ask her before talking to this random girl. She didn't answer so I called the woman from Alex's. She was busy but wanted me to call in later and come over IF I wanted. I went to Pinoccios and ordered a medium mushroom, olive and pepperoni pizza. That's a big improvement over the X-large I would have eaten in the past. I asked if they knew Anthony Oliveri. The man said it was his nephew. I told him that I went to school with him and am a singer and wanted to know if he still plays guitar. He told me that Tony had auditioned for Limp Bizkit and plays amazingly well and I could meet him at the other Pinoccio's down the road. While waiting for the pizza I called the girl from work again and left a message asking if she was a little into me or if what we do is just fun flirting. I had also asked Todd earlier if he would get me a job in a message. He hasn't called back and neither has she. This gave me a comedy idea about discussing how nobody can commit to a phone call. A text is more casual and will maybe get a response but picking up seems to be too much for most people. I then got the pizza and went deeper into Gilroy. I went into Pinoccio's #2 for what I believe is the first time in my life. I saw Tony, he looks so much like Freddie Mercury. We talked about his audition and my american Idol audidion and that he has a band that practices in Fremont and is interested in a possible side project. I then drove home and during the drive my dad called and I told him about the whole situation and how I couldn't stand being there among all these beautiful women and not being able to have any of them and how the girl in question is messing with me. It was the only converstation I think I've had with him about women. I kept going and got to where I could have turned off to go see the random bar girl and decided I didn't want sex with a random girl when I have feelings for this girl. I then called the girl in question to ask her advice about what I should do. I was going to totally tell everything about my life and shit. She didn't answer. I then came to understand that since my voice was shot I had nowhere to go. It was too early to go to a sleep location and I coudn't go to karaoke without being able to sing. I then did a little laundry folding, went to the bathroom, bought a Klondike and Doritos and had wasted enough time so I could park at this hotel.


Interesting day

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Well, isn't that interesting. I've spent some time just now reviewing my past entries in the blog. Obviously I didn't get back to it "tomorrow" on my last post. Very quickly about that, the events that I was talking about then are still in my mind and my heart. I was going somewhere with everything I was saying but I'm not in that place right now. I have remembered who I am, why I don't do drugs or lie or do irrevocable things to my body.

The whole course of this blog I have been writing about CHANGE. I wanted to improve my life. For a majority of the blog I've written about leaving the club. I hated it for a while there and wanted nothing more than to leave and live a good life outside. I didn't do that cause I felt as a 450 lb man there weren't many options for work. I wanted to move into my van to keep my world so narrow I'd do nothing but work and work out. I then wanted to have a grand trip where I'd lose a pound in every state and not leave that state until the goal was met so I could then be a 350 pound man with guitar and busking skills would have more ability to succeed in the world.

Now, months later I'm actually under 400 lbs. I weighed 398.0 this morning before my workout. And I once again am contemplating my options. I no longer hate the club the same way I did. I have accepted the money is less in 4 ways that I won't get into now. I've accepted the beautiful women all around me that are a sweet torture for my little heart. However the times they are a changing and the club is no exception. Policy changes and a change in the power structure have changed the way I feel about the club. I think things are going in a bad direction and now the only hope we have in the form of our fearless leader and manager Rich has been in effect rendered impotent.

Because of this on Monday I decided to get out. I called my friend Todd who works on a show on the interenet out of the Warner Brothers lot and left a message asking if there were any entry-level positions open there for me. I also called my dad and asked if the offer to move up there and build a room of my own under the house was still good. No response from Todd but my dad is ready to have me move in.

I also decided to call the girl in question from the previous entry. I told her that our I've been thinking about her and that while I have crushes on many of the girls here that I've developed strong feelings for her and that the only reason I decided to make a gay confession like that is because I'm planning to leave. She said that she loves me. That I have no idea how much she loves me. Well, she's right, I do have no idea how much she loves me or what that means but I'll take it as it is given. However she meant it it makes me feel good. But she is certainly not in a place in her life for a relationship. She's seeing a guy, maybe, I'm no longer sure, she's seeing a bunch of girls here at work and that's not something I really want to bear witness to. So there is nothing really to explore with her anyway so I'm not going to miss out on anything on that front. If it were someone else I'd be up for messing around and not having it mean anything, but she already means a great deal to me so I don't think I could be casual with her.

So now I'm looking at the choices I have. I can live in any city in my van. I can start a karaoke business anywhere. I've saved some seed money for exactly this contingency. With that in mind I have LA with or without a job with HD Films, moving to my parent's house and building a room, get in shape with my whole family and have the people I love the most right there with me, move to Arizona with my best friend Ben, stay around this area but not in the club near my other best friend Mike, move to Sacramento where I'm close to my parents and very near my brothers where there are many bars where I can ply my trade, Tour the country in my van and various combinations thereof.

The most attractive to me right now are LA with a job and living at my parent's house. If Todd were to call me with a job I'd put in my notice immediately. However, I think I'll try a combination. Go to the parents, spend some time in the bosom of my family and recharge my soul after 5 years in a strip club. I only want to go if I am productive, creating art, working and being with my family. I'd like to test out my ability to make karaoke happen by doing it there then I can be assured I can do it anywhere.

So, for now I'll keep thinking

The truth is out there

I'm so fucking sick of my life. I am thinking of taking up drinking, drugs, tattoos and lying. All things that I don't do, that I'm opposed to. But things all that are more attractive than being a fat bastard. I completely chose the wrong drug. Food is a terrible drug with so many negative side effects and none of the sexiness of other drugs.

I've been in love with women since I was 5 years old. They have been a HUGE focus of my mind ever since. Perhaps that is why I have had so little experience with them in my 33 years. I've made it too big a deal. Or maybe it's because I was sexually molested as a kid. That can hyper or hypo sexualize a person. Either way, I've lived in a state of unrequited love with the female gender for nearly every second of my life. The brief and few exceptions haven't satisfied me in any way.

The day I started this blog I was hopeful. I was going to make getting my life together the major project that I was focused on. This blog was going to be both chronicle and inspiration. Later that day, while at work I decided to kill myself. I had thought about it in the past but now I had finally decided. I was going to take the cash I had saved for charity and paying off my taxes, have sex with a really hot prostitue and blow my head off. I was certain that I would do it. I made it through the day's work knowing that would happen and when I packed my things and took them outside I was bathed in sunlight and felt a deep deep shame. If i still believed in God I would have thought that was what I had experienced. I knew that I had been a fool and no matter what I couldn't throw away my one chance at life.

But you know what? Every fucking drug addict I know is having a hell of a fucking time.

Ok so I'm going to cut that thread for now. I've been moping around this strip club and the girls have been asking me what's wrong. I've been close to crying all morning long. There could be a catalyst, but not a cause. The cause is what is listed above. The catalyst may be a girl who is a friend of mine a few weeks ago told me she made out with one of the other girls here. I said I was jealous and she hinted that maybe we would so something. Later when I was in Phoenix I texted her that I had gotten her a present. A few hours later she wrote back we should make out. I was pretty excited about that. Then a while later i talked to her on the phone and she said she loves me, quite dramatically, not casually at all like a friendship. I had no idea what this was about but was intrigued. I care about her a lot and am attracted to her so it seemed like something to explore.

Ok so I'm tired and will resume tomorrow...